To Their Own Devices
by OtakuLady8435
Summary: Carefully he opened his eyes again, keeping them at a protective squint, to survey his surroundings. The first thing he saw was… what the heck? Sitting in the plush white seat across from him was a mascot of a cow(?) with Loki's head. Tony would have dished out a snarky one-liner had it not been for the fact that he was incredibly hungover and quite possibly hallucinating.


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters in this story. They all belong to Marvel (;_;).**

**This was inspired by a little post I saw on Pinterest**

**TO THEIR OWN DEVICES**

Tony was alive again, although the pair of elephants dancing the flamenco on his cerebellum nearly made him wish otherwise. With no small amount of care he levered open sleep-encrusted eyes, instantly regretting the action. A diabolical sunbeam stabbed his retina exacerbating the already massive headache throbbing in his skull. He slammed his eyes shut with a pitiful moan.

"Jarvis, close the curtains," he croaked. He frowned at the evil taste coating his tongue. Was that bile? His brow furrowed-an act he instantly rued- when instead of his butler's usual 'yes sir' was replaced by silence. "Jarvis?"

Crap. Carefully he opened his eyes again, keeping them at a protective squint, to survey his surroundings. The first thing he saw was… what the heck? Sitting in the plush white seat across from him was a mascot of a cow(?) with Loki's head. Tony would have dished out a snarky one-liner had it not been for the fact that he was incredibly hungover and quite possibly hallucinating. "If this is a hallucination my brain has finally failed me. If not this is precious."

Loki who managed to look imperious and regal in a piss poor mascot suit, raised an eyebrow. "You're finally awake I see."

"Where are we?" He lifted his aching body, wiping at the mix of dry and fresh drool plastering his cheek, and sat up. His stomach roiled swearing revenge at the sudden movement.

Loki squinted a bit but did not look out the window. "The desert apparently," he supplied coolly.

Tony licked his chapped lips eyeing the titular god of mischief. Loki put up a good front of not being affected but his paler than usual skin, deep squint of his eyes, and carefully still posture gave him away. The little shite was suffering just as much as him. Loki must've gotten a hold of some Asgardian booze. He inwardly smirked before leaning over to peer out the window.

He winced at the stab of pain but persevered. A baked ground carpeted by half-dead blades of grass and stubby shrubs clinging to life met his bloodshot eyes. Timidly he poked his head out the window, cursing the sun the entire time, eyes on the familiar skyline in the far distance. The Las Vegas strip. Ah, now his hungover state made perfect since. Confusion pricked his hazy brain. How the crap did he get to Vegas? Screw that, when the dogballs did he leave for Vegas? He cast a glance to his companion who sat in silence no doubt loathed to move. With Loki? Then he realized something. He glanced down at his body.

"Well this is awkward."

"Indeed," Loki drawled.

Tony opened his mouth to reply with a suitable barb but was foiled when his stomach decided to exact its vengeance, giving a vicious lurch. He flung the door open and clambered from the car with all the speed and coordination of a junkie strung out on barbiturates. Two steps later, he stood bent over retching as his stomach emptied itself of whatever he'd consumed the night before. God it stank. He inwardly cursed as he puked, unable to remember what happened. _Why_ did he come to Vegas? He loved to indulge and the city only enabled his many vices.

By the time he'd devolved into painful dry heaving, his throat burned like he'd swallowed gasoline and his mouth tasted rancid. He leaned back on the car, moaning in misery.

"Are you finished, mortal?"

A spire of irritation fired through him. "Screw you Rock of Ages," he replied with a quiet but no less bitter tone. Loki, darn him, only gave a soft sound of amusement. He wiped the spittle-and whatever the hell else- from his lip before turning to the other man. A smile spread across his face. Seeing the diva Loki in a cow costume was too precious to get past. "Got milk?" He snickered, the resultant pain worth the satisfaction.

Loki ignored him steadfastly. "I'm so happy my attire amuses you, but try focus on our situation Stark." He swept an arm towards the limousine.

"Fine. Fine." He so wanted to add 'Bessie' but remembered he had neither his suit nor backup at the moment. "Okay, can you remember what happened because I sure as hell can't." The annoyance that disrupted Loki's features surprised him. "You can't remember either can you?"

Clearly chagrined the pale man replied, "nothing."

Whoa. Asgardians were gold medal level social drinkers. He'd witnessed Thor down a bottle of tequila like it was sparkling water for crying out loud. "What kind of wolf pack debauchery did we get into last night?" And did he have pictures?

Loki heaved a sigh. "We are in the middle of a desert." He wiped his brow. "I'm in this **cow** costume," he snarled the last two words. "And where are you going?"

Tony rounded the sleek red limousine, pulling open the driver's side door. No chauffeur. Then, how the crap did they get here? Who drove? Oh god this was just like that movie he saw that one time, minus the drugs. He grinned with something akin to pride. Last night must have been epic!

"Well?"

"No driver." He gave a silent cry of triumph when he saw the pair of aviator sunglasses perched on the dashboard. He plucked them up, giving them a squinty-eyed once-over. They were no Tom Ford's but they'd shield his eyes from the wicked ball of fire shining in the sky. He donned them, giving a satisfied nod. Now if only his head would stop throbbing like an infected tooth…

Tony ignored Loki who opened the passenger door and slid into the luxurious leather seats, in favor of finding the car keys. He found them in the cup-holder under a pile of ketchup packets and bottle caps. Pretending he didn't hear Loki's barb he shoved the keys in the ignition and turned. Hope blossomed in his chest when the car roared to life, dying along with the engine. He cursed, but tried again endeavoring to get the engine to turn over before noticing the fuel hand. It was on E. Great. "Well crap." He moaned in exasperation, slouching into the seat,.

"Let me guess, there's no fuel?"

He turned his head to the other man, confusion knitting his brow. "How-?"

"That time in Rio I think it was." The man passed him a wry grin.

"Huh. Oh yeah…" Memories of gyrating bodies, endless tangoing, and enough booze to fill a bath tub flashed through his brain. He smiled in self-satisfaction. "Good times. Who knew Loki god of mischief crooned like Sinatra." The other man only smirked.

"So what now? We seem to be several…"

Tony stared at Loki as he talked **still** wearing that ridiculous cow costume. He gave in to the high-pitched giggles with little resistance. The look of sheer venom Loki shot him did not deter his fit of laughter.

"-What is your problem. Can you not see we are in a serious predicament here? We have no transportation to get back to the city which we are several miles away from in a desert."

Tony's giggles died down. "So?" He winced when a vindictive stab of pain speared his cranium. "Ow."

"So, you'll need to cover up for your walk back."

He sat up staring at the other male with raised eyebrows. "I'm sorry I don't remember volunteering for that. Why don't you walk?" He squinted at the other male when he straightened his spine.

"I'm a king and my complexion you know. And it's quite hot."

"I'm hungover." He winced at the shot of pain that decided to waltz through his skull. "You walk."

Loki gave an exaggerated eyeroll. "Oh don't be such a ponce, I'm sure you've been in worse situations from a night of overindulgence."

Tony squeezed the steering wheel to keep from attacking the prima donna sitting next to him. No way was he walking what was probably over 15 miles in the desert wearing nothing but his boxer briefs. Perverts wouldn't be able to resist all his deliciousness. Loki, the pampered lemur, was definitely not going to walk in the heat. He regarded Loki who stared at him like he was an especially disobedient peasant. Briefly he thought about settling this impasse with rock-paper-scissors but the psycho would probably just threaten to stab him. How could he settle this without bodily harm? The thought did not so much as hit him as it did toss a boulder at his head.

"My phone!" He exited the car and climbed into the passenger compartment finally surveying its damage. Empty bottles of every variety of booze lay cluttered on the floor, along with what appeared to be half-eaten hot wings and squished burgers. He grinned. Pure debauchery. He glared at the back of Loki's head. The terd didn't even bother to turn around. "Oh no, don't get up. Just sit there."

Loki appeared to not understand his sarcasm for the man did not move a muscle, though he was serene enough to hum a toneless tune. Tony grumbled to himself. The little piss ant. He searched the cab fruitlessly until he heard the warning beep signaling a low battery. With anxious hope in his chest he shoved a hand between the seams of the seat.

He heard Loki moan, no doubt rolling his eyes, before hearing the front door slam. Ignoring the sourpuss he leaned over shoving his hand deeper feeling around for his cell phone. Gods he hoped he didn't touch something…squishy. He rummaged around until he felt the familiar hard case of his cell phone. With a tiny 'yay' he grasped it, holding on for dear life as he withdrew his hand. He smirked at the sleek insanely high tech mobile device. But, before he could even activate it, Loki beckoned him.

"What?"

"You need to see this," came the Asgardian's disembodied voice.

Tony sighed but climbed out of the car and strode to where Loki stood staring into the open trunk with bewilderment. Tony frowned when he saw the spare cow costume in one of Loki's hands. He stopped and looked into the trunk eyes broadening so that were this a cartoon they might pop out entirely. Aw hell. Crap just got hella real.

Laying in the trunk was an unconscious, skimpily clad woman. Her scarlet hair fell around a face decorated with smudged makeup, her limbs lay akimbo, and her body eerily still. Tony's stomach fell to his toes. Please tell him this apparent night of hard partying wasn't going to turn into a morning spent in the police department.

"Oh dear, is she dead?" Loki asked with what one could mistake for concern if they weren't acquainted with the man.

Tony cut his companion a sharp glance before leaning down to check her pulse with a trembling hand. A sigh of relief passed his lips when he felt the steady drum of a pulse. "No. Thank Tolkien."

"Ah. Then why and how did she get in the trunk?"

Tony regarded him, a brief bout of speechlessness overcoming him. "I have no idea." There was a half-naked unconscious woman in the trunk of the limousine. What the flippin' crap happened last night?! He activated his phone. "I'm calling home." He raised an eyebrow when Loki proffered the cow costume.

"Put this on, for my sake of course. Those undergarments are a tad small and I've seen more of you than is healthy for my soul."

Tony scowled at the male before giving what he considered a half-hearted argument. Eventually, he took the costume from him. "Prude." He checked his phone. The icon boasted red at exactly two percent life left. He smiled. It was enough for one call. "Loki don't close the-"

Loki shut the lid of the trunk without heed. "What?"

Tony balked at the man. "She could suffocate! Ow my head." He cradled his head which throbbed with all the force of a bass heavy rap song.

Loki folded his arms and stared at Tony as if he were an especially thick child. "She has obviously been in there all night. If she didn't suffocate then, she won't now." This said, he swaggered (in a horrendous cow costume!) away.

Tony looked skyward, squinting against the bright sun, before heaving a meditative sigh. "Your regard for human life is outstanding." Loki made a gesture that may have been pompous dismissal… or an obscenity. Tony refused to dwell on that thought for now. "Stop being a sociopath for a moment and be a dear and help me into this thing."

Loki huffed, like he was the one put out, but acquiesced nonetheless. Several awkward moments later, Tony glared at his companion. He probably looked as ridiculous as he felt. Not even the best Tom Ford sunglasses could pull this outfit out the fire. "Happy now. I'm no longer offending you and we both look like numbskulls."

Loki raised an imperious eyebrow. "Speak for yourself." He turned, swaggered away and leaned against the passenger side door in a perfect James Dean pose.

Tony stared at the diva blankly. And this was why he wanted to murder the other man on a regular basis.

Thor meticulously set his pop-tarts on the cookie sheet smiling at his assortment of 20 different flavors when he finished. With a ravenous smile he slid the pans into the oven before turning the dial that would change them into warm gooey goodness (he _did not_ trust the toaster anymore). He prepared himself a cup of coffee with all the fixings and was just in the middle of it when JARVIS spoke.

"Mister Thor, sir, Master Stark is on the line."

Thor took another sip of coffee. Midgardians had such wonderful beverages. "Oh, then I will speak to him!" He picked up the slim black phone.

Tony glared over at Loki who had reopened the trunk, waiting for an answer. "Anything?"

Loki gave a casual shrug. "No."

"Try poking her. Hello?" He spoke when the ringing ceased.

"Hello Tony Stark!" Came the boisterous greeting of one Thor Odinson.

Tony cursed the very universe for his ill luck. _Of course_ Thor would be the only one available when he had a splitting headache. "Thor," he said weakly.

"I can't find Loki. Is he with you?" He hovered over the stove, staring through the screen at his slowly baking pop-tarts. He had to keep a strict vigil or he would ruin them, again.

"Yes." Before he had the chance to warn him about the bongo drums beating behind his eyes, Thor interrupted him.

"Splendid! I thought he'd gone off to get into mischief again. Where have you gone this time?"

Tony gave a tired sigh. Hangovers were another day at the office to him but even he had his limits. He pinched the bridge of is nose as Thor prattled on in that _booming_ voice. "Thor." He kept talking. "Thor!"

"Yes?" He closed his eyes in glee as the amalgam of sweet aromas flooded his nostrils. Nothing like 20 pop-tarts to brighten his mornings.

"Is Bruce there?" He glanced at his phone when it beeped in warning. The other scientist's voice was soothing, nothing like Thor's which raked shards of glass through his synapses.

A fleeting gloomy expression etched his features. "It appears that I am alone here. Everyone has left."

He cast Loki an exasperated glare when the other man perched on the open trunk and crossed his legs with all the nonchalance of a cat. Fine, he'd work with what he'd been given. "Thor. Thor I need you to listen."

"Mm-hm." He opened the oven door with disturbing gaiety, eyes gleaming like a rabid chihuahua when he withdrew the piping hot pans and set them on the stove top. He inhaled the scents. Ah! His tastebuds would be pleased.

"Are you listening?" He heard the Asgardian give a muffled affirmation. He ignored the loud chewing assaulting his ears. "Okay. Loki and I are outside of Vegas dressed in what I think are cow costumes-"

"Ha!"

He disregarded the man's amusement, over the top in his opinion, and soldiered on. "-in a limo sans the chauffeur that I don't remember buying with an unconscious possibly comatose chorus girl in the trunk. Call Pepper and tell her to send cash, aspirin, clothes-" Here, Loki decided to speak.

"Food, I'm famished."

"And something greasy to eat." He hanged up the phone without a farewell. His poor head could only take so much of Thor's voice.

Thor set the phone aside and tore into the blueberry pop-tart. "Sir shall I contact Miss Potts?"

He swallowed the mouthful of sugary heaven. "Of course." Their situation seemed more comical than urgent to Thor but no need to let them suffer.

Tony, after retrieving the girl from the trunk- alone thank you- laid her gingerly on the back seat. He joined his partner in crime in the passenger compartment of the limo, wishing he could crank up the air conditioning. They sat in a comfortable silence, Loki picking his nails, Tony staring at the unconscious girl. "Selfie?"

Loki heaved an affected sigh. "Fine."

Tony gave him a look. "Please. You love selfies." He navigated his dying phone to the camera screen, held it up, and -throwing a peace sign- snapped two quick pictures. His phone promptly deactivated.

"Despite the quagmire in which we find ourselves, with the comatose girl and all." He gestured to the woman with the casualty only a mass murderer could manage, in Tony's humble opinion. "I cannot help but feel that last night must have been lively."

Tony snorted at him. "Lively? Lively is for little old ladies at bingo. I can't remember what happened. _You_ can't remember what happened. We're both in mascot costumes. I have a massive headache and she is possibly in a coma." He paused for dramatic effect. "Last night was friggin epic. I'm talking like Iliad epic." He gestured dramatically.

The other man's nod of concurrence gave Tony satisfaction. "Still perhaps we shouldn't party so hard next time. Smuggling Asgardian wine to Midgard is not exactly cheap." He flipped his inky black hair.

Tony scoffed, an impish grin on his lips. "We're going to Japan next time." He'd heard about two clubs that were must-sees where the drinks flowed until the sun came up.

A tiny smile ghosted over Loki's mouth. "I suppose that promise isn't set in stone."

Tony leaned into the luxurious seats with a satisfied grunt. If he'd had a bag of blueberries he'd definitely share it with Loki. When the man wasn't acting like a diva or psycho he was okay. "Best partner in crime ever."

Moments later, to their infinite surprise the woman revived. She stared at them through bleary eyes before sitting up in the plush seat and crossing her long shapely legs. "What I miss?" Tony stared at her briefly.

"Um. Hi, yeah we don't know either." The three of them stared at each other for a few beats, at a loss for words.

She, thankfully, broke the silence. "You got any wine. I'm thirsty as crap."

Tony shot Loki a puzzled side glance.

Hours later, Tony sat in his private jet. At his side Loki sat reading a book and Pepper was opposite him with a laptop in her lap, refusing to even look at him. He turned on his still charging phone and pressed the gallery icon. Instantly photos of their wild night appeared. He dug an elbow into Loki's side to get his attention.

"Look." He flipped through the photos, eyes widening with each passing picture. The level of wildness surprised even him. He stopped at photo one of the chorus girl sitting between them, full shot glass in her hand, two small pills on her exposed tongue. Neither he nor Loki's attention was on the camera. "Explains a lot." The chorus girl, Maria, had drank the last of the wine and vomited out the window before copping a squat behind the limousine. They'd driven her back to her apartment, because it was the right thing to do, much to Loki's protest.

He flipped to another photo, eyebrows almost disappearing into his hairline at the sight. He glanced to Loki who had blushed to the tips of his ears. The man shot him a threatening look to which Tony answered with a serene smirk. Ah, blackmail his canny love. "I have lived."

"Epic." Loki stated.

Tony offered him the open bag of fruit snacks, smirking when the demigod gave a sigh but reached in anyway. The two shared a self-satisfied smile before Loki returned to his book. Tony looked out the window at the peaceful blue sky, a secretive grin on his mouth. This week he'd tweak his suit, collaborate with Bruce in some science bros projects, avoid Rogers, and probably save the world as Iron Man. Next week, he'd be waist deep in sake, LED lights, and dance music. And the best wingman ever would be his willing accomplice.

He leaned back in his chair with a smile. Yep, he had lived.

END

**If either of them are OOC my bad. Read and review please! No flames.**


End file.
